Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts

Learn Effective Communication Skills Professionally and Personally



It sounds so simple: say what you mean. But all too often, what we try to communicate gets lost in translation despite our best intentions. We say one thing, the other person hears something else, and misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts ensue.

Fortunately, you can learn how to communicate more clearly and effectively. Whether you’re trying to improve communication with your spouse, kids, boss, or coworkers, you can improve the communication skills that enable you to effectively connect with others, build trust and respect, and feel heard and understood.

What is effective communication?

Communication is about more than just exchanging information. It's about understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. Effective communication is also a two-way street. It’s not only how you convey a message so that it is received and understood by someone in exactly the way you intended, it’s also how you listen to gain the full meaning of what’s being said and to make the other person feel heard and understood.

More than just the words you use, effective communication combines a set of skills including nonverbal communication, engaged listening, managing stress in the moment, the ability to communicate assertively, and the capacity to recognize and understand your own emotions and those of the person you’re communicating with.

Effective communication is the glue that helps you deepen your connections to others and improve teamwork, decision making, and problem-solving. It enables you to communicate even negative or difficult messages without creating conflict or destroying trust.

While effective communication is a learned skill, it is more effective when it’s spontaneous rather than formulaic. A speech that is read, for example, rarely has the same impact as a speech that’s delivered (or appears to be delivered) spontaneously. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and spontaneous your communication skills will become.

Barriers to effective interpersonal communication

  • Stress and out-of-control emotion. When you’re stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. Take a moment to calm down before continuing a conversation.
  • Lack of focus. You can’t communicate effectively when you’re multitasking. If you’re planning what you’re going to say next, daydreaming, checking text messages, or thinking about something else, you’re almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-moment experience.
  • Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
  • Negative body language. If you disagree with or dislike what’s being said, you may use negative body language to rebuff the other person’s message, such as crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don’t have to agree, or even like what’s being said, but to communicate effectively without making the other person defensive it’s important to avoid sending negative signals.

Improving communication skills #1: Become an engaged listener

People often focus on what they should say, but effective communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding the emotions the speaker is trying to communicate.

There’s a big difference between engaged listening and simply hearing. When you really listen—when you’re engaged with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle intonations in someone’s voice that tell you how that person is feeling and the emotions they’re trying to communicate. When you’re an engaged listener, not only will you better understand the other person, you’ll also make that person feel heard and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.

By communicating in this way, you’ll also experience a process that lowers stress and supports physical and emotional well-being. If the person you’re talking to is calm, for example, listening in an engaged way will help to calm you, too. Similarly, if the person is agitated, you can help calm them by listening in an attentive way and making the person feel understood.      

How do you become an engaged listener?

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening in an engaged way will often come naturally. If it doesn’t, try the following tips. The more you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will become.

  • Focus fully on the speaker, his or her body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues. Tone of voice conveys emotion, so if you’re thinking about other things, checking text messages, or doodling, you’re almost certain to miss the nonverbal cues and the emotional content behind the words being spoken. And if the person talking is similarly distracted, you’ll be able to quickly pick up on it. If you find it hard to concentrate on some speakers, try repeating their words over in your head—it’ll reinforce their message and help you stay focused.
  • Favor your right ear. The left side of the brain contains the primary processing centers for both speech comprehension and emotions. Since the left side of the brain is connected to the right side of the body, favoring your right ear can help you better detect the emotional nuances of what someone is saying. Try keeping your posture straight, your chin down, and tilting your right ear towards the speaker—this will make it easier to pick up on the higher frequencies of human speech that contain the emotional content of what’s being said.
  • Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns, by saying something like, “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me.” Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can’t concentrate on what someone’s saying if you’re forming what you’re going to say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial expressions and know that your mind’s elsewhere.
  • Show your interest in what’s being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like “yes” or ok.”
  • Try to set aside judgment. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you don’t have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to fully understand a person. The most difficult communication, when successfully executed, can lead to the most unlikely and profound connection with someone.
  • Provide feedback. If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is," or "Sounds like you are saying," are great ways to reflect back. Don’t simply repeat what the speaker has said verbatim, though—you’ll sound insincere or unintelligent. Instead, express what the speaker’s words mean to you. Ask questions to clarify certain points: "What do you mean when you say," or "Is this what you mean?" 

Hear the emotion behind the words by exercising your middle ear muscles

By increasing the muscle tone of the tiny middle ear muscles (the smallest in the body), you’ll be able to detect the higher frequencies of human speech that impart emotion and be better able to understand what others are really saying. As well as by focusing fully on what someone is saying, you can exercise these tiny muscles by singing, playing a wind instrument, and listening to certain types of music (high-frequency Mozart violin concertos and symphonies, for example, rather than low-frequency rock or rap music).

Improving communication skills #2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

When we communicate things that we care about, we do so mainly using nonverbal signals. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and breathing. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and build better relationships at home and work.

  • You can enhance effective communication by using open body language—arms uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and maintaining eye contact with the person you’re talking to.
  • You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal message—patting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for example, or pounding your fists to underline your message.

Tips for improving how you read nonverbal communication

  • Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so it’s important to take age, culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.
  • Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally and let eye contact slip, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to. Consider the signals as a whole to get a better “read” on a person.

Tips for improving how you deliver nonverbal communication

  • Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
  • Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when you’re addressing a child than when you’re addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you’re interacting with.
  • Use body language to convey positive feelings even when you're not actually experiencing them. If you’re nervous about a situation—a job interview, important presentation, or first date, for example—you can use positive body language to signal confidence, even though you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.

Improving communication skills #3: Keep stress in check

To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of and in control of your emotions. And that means learning how to manage stress. When you’re stressed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such regrets, but in many cases, you’ll also help to calm the other person as well. It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be able to know whether the situation requires a response, or whether the other person’s signals indicate it would be better to remain silent.

Staying calm under pressure

In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or introduction to a loved one’s family, for example, it’s important to manage your emotions, think on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure. These tips can help:

  • Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Have a question repeated, or ask for clarification of a statement before responding.
  • Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing—pausing can make you seem more in control than rushing your response.
  • Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your response is too long or you waffle about a number of points, you risk losing the listener’s interest. Follow one point with an example and then gauge the listener’s reaction to tell if you should make a second point.
  • Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye contact. Keep your body language relaxed and open.
  • Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop talking, even if it leaves a silence in the room. You don’t have to fill the silence by continuing to talk.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

When things start to get heated in the middle of a conversation, you need something quick and immediate to bring down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment, though, you can safely face any strong emotions you’re experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately. When you know how to maintain a relaxed, energized state of awareness—even when something upsetting happens—you can remain emotionally available and engaged.
To deal with stress during communication:

  • Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you’re stressed as you communicate. Are your muscles or your stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you "forgetting" to breathe?
  • Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or postpone it.
  • Bring your senses to the rescue and quickly manage stress by taking a few deep breaths, clenching and relaxing muscles, or recalling a soothing, sensory-rich image, for example. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.
  • Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or amusing story.
  • Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you’ll be able to find a happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that the other person cares much more about something than you do, compromise may be easier for you and a good investment in the future of the relationship.
  • Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm down. Take a quick break and move away from the situation. Go for a stroll outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.

Improving communication skills #4: Assert yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost self-esteem and decision-making. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others.
To improve assertiveness:

  • Value yourself and your opinions. They are as important as anyone else’s.
  • Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the rights of others.
  • Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It’s OK to share your thoughts but not in a complaining way and always be respectful as well.
  • Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for help when needed.
  • Learn to say “no.” Know your limits and don’t let others take advantage of you. Look for alternatives so everyone feels good about the outcome.

Developing assertive communication techniques

  • Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the other person's situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. "I know you've been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us as well."
  • Escalating assertion can be used when your first attempts are not successful. You become increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining consequences if your needs are not met. For example, "If you don't abide by the contract, I'll be forced to pursue legal action."
  • Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to start with to help build up your confidence. Or ask friends or family if you can practice assertiveness techniques on them first.

 

Communication is the key to all relationships. Develop your skills and achieve your full potential! Work with a Business and Life Management Coach with over 20 years’ experience empowering individuals, executives & business owners to attain self-defined success in their professional & personal lives. Give yourself a gift and book a complimentary session at http://www.denisedema.com

 

 

Turning Dreams Into Reality

Turning dreams into reality involves some luck. Organizations often discount the role of luck in strategic outcomes. You can’t plan your way into getting struck by lightening. Luck does play a roll in our success, but luck was never meant to be a strategy.

If you are using luck as a strategy you will soon be living a fantasy.

“Dreams plus Luck” is in the same camp as winning the lottery.
“Dreams plus a Learning Agenda” is a commitment to a reality.

Dreams are highly beneficial when accompanied by action.  But dreams without action enable people to live in a world of make believe.  A dream without a plan is soon exposed.
“When the tide goes out, you discover who’s been swimming naked.” – Warren Buffet
Dreaming with a learning agenda directs our intention towards what’s most important to us.  John Kotter has said there are two kinds of people in the world:
  • those who accept their life, and
  • those who lead their life.
Some people just get up, look at their life, and hope something good will happen. They are saying, “I hope I get lucky.”  The successful person says, “I’m going to make something happen.  I’m going to build on trust; make that relationship work; take control over the things I have influence over; lead my life; create a personal learning agenda that will help fulfill my dreams. AND, I’ll be alert to, and take advantage of all the lucky breaks that come my way.”
Their thought process goes like this:
  • Clearly noticing what’s possible
  • Seeing specifically what I want to achieve
  • Building upon good decisions along the way
  • Strategically thinking about tactics to get things done and change minds
  • Valuing the trust and respect of the people around me
So how do you create a learning agenda that will help you fulfill your dreams? For starters, ask “What is the gap between what I know or the skills I have and the information or the skills I need to actualize my dream?”  Then follow these five steps:
  1. Determine your goals and ask yourself: Where do I want to be next year? What do I need to do to accomplish these goals?  Your answers become your learning agenda.
  2. Assess the skills or knowledge you’ll need.  Some goals won’t require new skills or knowledge, but others will.  What specific skills do you need to make your dream(s) come true?  What skill that you already possess needs to be improved?
  3. Explore the best sources.  Is it going back to school?  Enrolling in a training course offered by your employer? Developing a relationship with mentors and/or coworkers who can teach you new skills or insights? Look for that optimal source for every skill you decide you need to learn.
  4. Create your learning agenda. You now have the information, so start creating your learning plan.  It should lay out the skills and knowledge you need to acquire.  It should include a timeline and be in writing.
  5. Execute.  Let the fun begin. The sooner you get going, the sooner you’ll learn the knowledge and skills you need to enjoy and achieve your goals!
Be aware of some subtle traps. Avoid these….
  • I’m too young. 
  • I’m too old. 
  • I don’t have the time. 
  • I don’t have the money.
These doubts are common to all of us.  One of the best ways to fight your doubts is to be clear on where you want to go.  Life’s what ifs will move you towards your worst nightmare.  Clarity will move you towards your dream.

You are putting a stake in the ground. It’s solid.

As you look at your dreams, don’t choose the hardest or the easiest.  Choose the most important.  When you create dreams that align with your purpose you will discover overlap in a number of areas of your life.

In the words of Seth Godin:
“Change that’s worth doing is change that most other people are afraid of. It’s change that other people fear won’t work or that will lead to ridicule. You know you are onto something when you find the tension, when you find the dissent, when you find people who say ‘that’s insane.’ You were taught in school to do what you were told. But you will not be rewarded for that going forward.”
“The best luck of all is the luck you make for yourself.” – Douglas MacArthur
Work with a Business and Life Management Coach to Achieve your full potential today! Book a complimentary session at www.denisedema.com


Source:LeadershipTraq

Live a Better Life by Aligning Your Values



Integrity is not so much a value in itself; it is rather the value that guarantees all the other values. 

Your core values govern the way you live and the way you respond to life. They govern the way you react to situations that present themselves. Your core values help to guide your decision making. They govern the way you react to your friends and to your non-friends. 

We are in harmony when we act in alignment with our core values. We can consciously act outside of our values. This brings on dissonance because our true values are still there at our core. Your core values act like a compass that sets your direction initially and then keeps you heading in the right direction over time. Your core values represent your authentic self.

If you are not a generally “aware” person, your values can sometimes be more apparent to others than to yourself. If you are more in touch with your values, you can make conscious decisions by applying your values in real time to assess the right course of action. You can pre-judge an appropriate course of action by the way you would feel about the immediate decision itself and about the downstream consequences of the action. 

Living in Congruence with Your Values
According to Stephen Covey: “Personal leadership is the process of keeping your vision and values before you and aligning your life to be congruent with them.” You are in control of your life. Really, you are - although at times, it may not be apparent to you:

• You are in control of your actions
• You are in control of your choices
• You are in control of how long you hold on to your thoughts
• You are in control of your feelings. 

Taking charge of yourself by being accountable and accepting responsibility for your actions are hallmarks of a strong character – and your authentic self. Living your life in alignment with your core values is not always the easy course to follow – many difficult decisions must be made along the way. We can ask ourselves: Will I do the expedient thing or will I do the right thing? You know in your heart that you know the difference. 

When you live according to your core values you are in balance; life moves freely. When you stray from your core values, stress can build beneath the surface. Over time, you can come back into alignment with your core values or you can rationalize your values away. By not following your core values, you can begin to lose your moorings. You can shift your value set point; another weaker value can overtake an existing one if followed repeatedly. 

This can be a slippery slope as one decision eventually leads to another of questionable integrity; this in turn builds on and leads to other decisions which are out of alignment with our core values. Each decision chips away incrementally at our core values. 

Where does it end? It ends when our integrity steps in to re-assert the power to define our core values and behaviors. Our integrity will begin the realignment back to where we started or else to a new core values set point depending upon the transformation process and triggers; the new set point can be either more or less strident than before. Chart and observe this process of alignment with core values in your own life. 

Call to Action
1. Identify five core values that are very important to you.
2. Consider how those values define your character - either who you are or who you want to become.
3. Start making decisions in every area of your life that honors your core values!
4. Look at how you responded the last time your core values were tested? How did you feel after you acted? Where your actions aligned with your values?
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Expand your knowledge and enlighten your mind with the tools you need to excel in your life! Work with a Business and Life Management Coach with over 20 years’ experience empowering people to attain self-defined success in their professional and personal lives. Book a complimentary strategy session at www.denisedema.com today.


New Years Resolution: Embrace Stillness!





People everywhere will tell you, the pace of modern life seems to be constantly accelerating. We seem to be always rushing -- to our next appointment, our next business meeting, our next errand etc. When we have a few precious minutes of downtime, we fill it on our phones, swiping from email to social media and back.

It is hard for us to slow down, unplug and to try to sit alone quietly with our thoughts. So many of us are racing around these days, from text to phone call to Twitter to breaking-news update, that we never have time to collect ourselves, to direct ourselves towards what we love.

Stillness is a cousin of mindfulness, another concept that encourages people to live in the moment. But where mindfulness focuses mostly on calming stress, stillness seeks to bring insight and perspective by stepping back from one's daily existence.

It can restore our sanity and balance; it can remind us of what we really want to be doing -- and what we care most about. People should take a few minutes every day, or at least every week, to be alone without distractions and let their mind wander.

Of course, this can be difficult in 2015, when digital devices are constantly competing for our attention. But we don’t have to give up our phones and laptops or go backwards away from the technology that has made our lives so much brighter and more fun. Instead, it's up to us to take conscious measures to make sure we're not lost in the rush.

These ideas are also catching on in the corporate world as tech workers are unplugging with Internet Sabbaths, companies are adding stress-reduction programs for their employees, and mindful practices such as yoga and meditation.

This concept of detachment has struck a chord with people who feel overwhelmed by the demands of the digital age. People are drowning in information and running around so much that they often times get nothing done. 

By stepping back to ensure that you're making a life, as well as a living one will help you lead a fulfilling existence. Stillness can restore our sanity and balance; it can remind us of what we really want to be doing.

True intelligence operates silently. Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Start the New Year right…. Learn how to Practice Stillness in 2015 and open the door to your mind. http://ouh.es/ebooks-collection/Spirituality/Eckhart_Tolle_-_Stillness_Speaks.pdf

Get on the right path to achieve your full potential! Focus on personal development to improve your life. Book a complimentary session at http://www.denisedema.com