It sounds so simple: say what you mean. But all too often, what we try to communicate gets lost in translation despite our best intentions. We say one thing, the other person hears something else, and misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts ensue.
Fortunately, you can learn how to
communicate more clearly and effectively. Whether you’re trying to improve
communication with your spouse, kids, boss, or coworkers, you can improve the
communication skills that enable you to effectively connect with others, build
trust and respect, and feel heard and understood.
What
is effective communication?
Communication is about more than
just exchanging information. It's about understanding the emotion and
intentions behind the information. Effective communication is also a two-way
street. It’s not only how you convey a message so that it is received and
understood by someone in exactly the way you intended, it’s also how you listen
to gain the full meaning of what’s being said and to make the other person feel
heard and understood.
More than just the words you use,
effective communication combines a set of skills including nonverbal
communication, engaged listening, managing stress in the moment, the ability to
communicate assertively, and the capacity to recognize and understand your own
emotions and those of the person you’re communicating with.
Effective communication is the glue
that helps you deepen your connections to others and improve teamwork, decision
making, and problem-solving. It enables you to communicate even negative or
difficult messages without creating conflict or destroying trust.
While effective communication is a
learned skill, it is more effective when it’s spontaneous rather than
formulaic. A speech that is read, for example, rarely has the same impact as a
speech that’s delivered (or appears to be delivered) spontaneously. Of course,
it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective
communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and
spontaneous your communication skills will become.
Barriers
to effective interpersonal communication
- Stress and out-of-control emotion. When you’re stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. Take a
moment to calm down before continuing a conversation.
- Lack of focus. You can’t communicate effectively when you’re multitasking. If you’re planning what you’re going to say next, daydreaming, checking text messages, or thinking about something else, you’re almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-moment experience.
- Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
- Negative body language. If you disagree with or dislike what’s being said, you may use negative body language to rebuff the other person’s message, such as crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don’t have to agree, or even like what’s being said, but to communicate effectively without making the other person defensive it’s important to avoid sending negative signals.
Improving communication skills #1: Become an engaged
listener
People often focus on what they
should say, but effective communication is less about talking and more about
listening. Listening well means not just understanding the words or the
information being communicated, but also understanding the emotions the speaker
is trying to communicate.
There’s a big difference between
engaged listening and simply hearing. When you really listen—when you’re
engaged with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle intonations in someone’s
voice that tell you how that person is feeling and the emotions they’re trying
to communicate. When you’re an engaged listener, not only will you better
understand the other person, you’ll also make that person feel heard and
understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.
By communicating in this way, you’ll
also experience a process that lowers stress and supports physical and
emotional well-being. If the person you’re talking to is calm, for example,
listening in an engaged way will help to calm you, too. Similarly, if the
person is agitated, you can help calm them by listening in an attentive way and
making the person feel understood.
How
do you become an engaged listener?
If your goal is to fully understand
and connect with the other person, listening in an engaged way will often come
naturally. If it doesn’t, try the following tips. The more you practice them,
the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will become.
- Focus fully on the speaker, his or her body language, tone of voice, and other
nonverbal cues. Tone of voice conveys emotion, so if you’re thinking about
other things, checking text messages, or doodling, you’re almost certain
to miss the nonverbal cues and the emotional content behind the words
being spoken. And if the person talking is similarly distracted, you’ll be
able to quickly pick up on it. If you find it hard to concentrate on some
speakers, try repeating their words over in your head—it’ll reinforce
their message and help you stay focused.
- Favor your right ear.
The left side of the brain contains the primary processing centers for
both speech comprehension and emotions. Since the left side of the brain
is connected to the right side of the body, favoring your right ear can help
you better detect the emotional nuances of what someone is saying. Try
keeping your posture straight, your chin down, and tilting your right ear
towards the speaker—this will make it easier to pick up on the higher
frequencies of human speech that contain the emotional content of what’s
being said.
- Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the
conversation to your concerns,
by saying something like, “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what
happened to me.” Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to
talk. You can’t concentrate on what someone’s saying if you’re forming
what you’re going to say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial
expressions and know that your mind’s elsewhere.
- Show your interest in what’s being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure
your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with
small verbal comments like “yes” or ok.”
- Try to set aside judgment. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you
don’t have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions.
However, you do need to set aside your judgment and withhold blame and
criticism in order to fully understand a person. The most difficult
communication, when successfully executed, can lead to the most unlikely
and profound connection with someone.
- Provide feedback.
If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by
paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is," or "Sounds like you
are saying," are great ways to reflect back. Don’t simply repeat what
the speaker has said verbatim, though—you’ll sound insincere or
unintelligent. Instead, express what the speaker’s words mean to you. Ask
questions to clarify certain points: "What do you mean when you
say," or "Is this what you mean?"
Hear
the emotion behind the words by exercising your middle ear muscles
By increasing the muscle tone of the
tiny middle ear muscles (the smallest in the body), you’ll be able to detect
the higher frequencies of human speech that impart emotion and be better able
to understand what others are really saying. As well as by focusing
fully on what someone is saying, you can exercise these tiny muscles by
singing, playing a wind instrument, and listening to certain types of music
(high-frequency Mozart violin concertos and symphonies, for example, rather
than low-frequency rock or rap music).
Improving communication skills #2: Pay attention to
nonverbal signals
When we communicate things that we
care about, we do so mainly using nonverbal signals. Nonverbal communication, or
body language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye
contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and
breathing. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells
them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.
Developing the ability to understand
and use nonverbal communication can help you connect with others, express what
you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and build better
relationships at home and work.
- You can enhance effective communication by using open
body language—arms uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on
the edge of your seat, and maintaining eye contact with the person you’re
talking to.
- You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance
your verbal message—patting a friend on the back while complimenting him
on his success, for example, or pounding your fists to underline your
message.
Tips
for improving how you read nonverbal communication
- Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend
to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so it’s important to
take age, culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when
reading body language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an
Asian businessman, for example, are likely to use nonverbal signals
differently.
- Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a single gesture or
nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye
contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally
and let eye contact slip, for example, or briefly cross their arms without
meaning to. Consider the signals as a whole to get a better “read” on a
person.
Tips
for improving how you deliver nonverbal communication
- Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is
being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body
language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being
dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
- Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for example, should be
different when you’re addressing a child than when you’re addressing a
group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and cultural
background of the person you’re interacting with.
- Use body language to convey positive feelings even when you're not actually experiencing them.
If you’re nervous about a situation—a job interview, important
presentation, or first date, for example—you can use positive body
language to signal confidence, even though you’re not feeling it. Instead
of tentatively entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and
sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling
and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make
you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.
Improving communication skills #3: Keep stress in check
To communicate effectively, you need
to be aware of and in control of your emotions. And that means learning how to
manage stress. When you’re stressed, you’re more likely to misread other
people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into
unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.
How many times have you felt
stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or
coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can
quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such
regrets, but in many cases, you’ll also help to calm the other person as well.
It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be able to know
whether the situation requires a response, or whether the other person’s
signals indicate it would be better to remain silent.
Staying
calm under pressure
In situations such as a job
interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or introduction to a
loved one’s family, for example, it’s important to manage your emotions, think
on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure. These tips can help:
- Use stalling tactics to
give yourself time to think. Have a question repeated, or ask for
clarification of a statement before responding.
- Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing—pausing can make
you seem more in control than rushing your response.
- Make one point
and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your
response is too long or you waffle about a number of points, you risk
losing the listener’s interest. Follow one point with an example and then
gauge the listener’s reaction to tell if you should make a second point.
- Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as
important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye
contact. Keep your body language relaxed and open.
- Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop
talking, even if it leaves a silence in the room. You don’t have to fill
the silence by continuing to talk.
Quick
stress relief for effective communication
When things start to get heated in
the middle of a conversation, you need something quick and immediate to bring
down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the
moment, though, you can safely face any strong emotions you’re experiencing,
regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately. When you know how to maintain
a relaxed, energized state of awareness—even when something upsetting
happens—you can remain emotionally available and engaged.
To deal with stress during communication:
- Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you’re stressed as
you communicate. Are your muscles or your stomach tight and/or sore? Are
your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you "forgetting"
to breathe?
- Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or
postpone it.
- Bring your senses to the rescue and quickly manage stress by taking a few deep
breaths, clenching and relaxing muscles, or recalling a soothing,
sensory-rich image, for example. The best way to rapidly and reliably
relieve stress is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and
smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need
to find things that are soothing to you.
- Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to
relieve stress when communicating. When you or those around you start
taking things too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a
joke or amusing story.
- Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you’ll
be able to find a happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for
everyone concerned. If you realize that the other person cares much more
about something than you do, compromise may be easier for you and a good
investment in the future of the relationship.
- Agree to disagree, if
necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm down.
Take a quick break and move away from the situation. Go for a stroll
outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement
or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.
Improving communication skills #4: Assert yourself
Direct, assertive expression makes
for clear communication and can help boost self-esteem and decision-making.
Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open
and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does
NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is
always about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or
forcing your opinions on others.
To improve assertiveness:
- Value yourself and your opinions. They are as important as anyone else’s.
- Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the rights
of others.
- Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It’s OK to share your thoughts but not in a complaining way and always be respectful as well.
- Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your
mistakes, ask for help when needed.
- Learn to say “no.”
Know your limits and don’t let others take advantage of you. Look for
alternatives so everyone feels good about the outcome.
Developing
assertive communication techniques
- Empathetic assertion
conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the other
person's situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. "I
know you've been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us as
well."
- Escalating assertion
can be used when your first attempts are not successful. You become
increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining
consequences if your needs are not met. For example, "If you don't
abide by the contract, I'll be forced to pursue legal action."
- Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to start with to help build
up your confidence. Or ask friends or family if you can practice
assertiveness techniques on them first.
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