Learn to Get Past Being Betrayed



After being betrayed, most of us want two things, usually at the same time. We want to wound the person who hurt us—as deeply and as excruciatingly—as we've been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.

There are actions, though, that you can take to can heal yourself. Every hurt has its own story, and so does every healing. But we can say this: You can heal yourself when you've filled the hole left behind by a betrayal, and you can heal the other person when you sincerely drop the need for revenge

Remember, the only betrayals that inflict damage are the ones where an intimate bond has been torn. When you build trust with another person, you are able to feel their emotions as keenly as you feel your own. If you have experienced such bonding, you know that it is a kind of higher reality—and when that bond is ripped apart, it's as if you've lost part of yourself. Then the self blame begins so how can you get out of torment and find yourself again?

1. Gain some detachment. Stand back and view yourself as if you were the helper, not the victim.

2. Don't indulge in emotions you cannot afford. Don't act as if you’re feeling worse than you really are—or better.

3. Make a plan for emotional recovery. Look at where you hurt, feel wounded or see yourself as victimized, then set out to heal these areas. Don't rely simply on letting time do it for you.

4. Feel the hole inside and grieve over it—but promise yourself that you will fill it.

5. Seek a confidant who has survived the same betrayal and has come out on the other side.

6. Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday. Don't fixate on the past or what might have been.

7. Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else. Counter regret by seeking out activities that build your self-esteem.

It requires a good deal of objectivity to set about following such a program. Nothing is easier, of course, than doing the opposite, for example:

1. Dwelling obsessively on how you were wronged. Feeling exultant in our self-righteous pain.

2. Turning your pain into an ongoing drama.

3. Acting erratic and scattered, with no plan for getting better.

4. Mourning your loss forever. Not looking honestly at the hole inside yourself because it is too painful or you feel too weak.

5. Talking to the wrong people about your woes. Seeking out those who keep agreeing with you and amplifying our resentment by egging you on.

6. Idealizing the past. Obsessing over the good times that are gone.

7. Letting self-pity and regret dominate your state of mind.

This kind of behavior only makes a betrayal linger.

If you find yourself in the position of being the wronged party, sit down with these two seven-step programs in front of you. With a pen and paper, write down all the ways you are following the healing program and then the ways in which you are sticking with victimization one. Be candid and objective. It is healing in itself to write down how you are really doing, because the key to psychological healing is self-awareness.

The two lists—and choices—may be in stark contrast, but real life is blurry around the edges. One day you are on the right track; the next day you are a train wreck. The key is to keep being kind to yourself. You know you are being kind when you begin to feel kind toward the one who betrayed you. I know that sounds impossible when your pain is acute, but you can't be kind to yourself unless that feeling of ease, acceptance, tolerance and non judgment extends beyond your self-interest. Otherwise, kindness is simply a mask for egotism. The idea of "I'm getting better; I hope he rots in hell" is an unresolvable contradiction.

In the end, when you reach that state of being healed, you will see how fortunate you are. As horrible as betrayal is, forgiveness belongs to those who know how to love in the first place, and you are one of them.  

Source: Deepak Chopra

Practicing Humility in Leadership


"Humility is about being content to let others discover the layers of our talents, without having to boast about them."

Words have enormous power. They can make us erupt into laughter or bring tears to our eyes. They can influence, inspire, manipulate and shock. They can build and destroy.

Some words have different effects on different people. One such word is humility. It is one of those words that are seldom in neutral gear. Some love the word and all it stands for. Some almost fear it and interpret it synonymous with lack of self-confidence or timidity.

The dictionary defines humility as modesty, lacking pretense, not believing that you are superior to others. An ancillary definition includes: "Having a lowly opinion of oneself, meekness". The word "humility" in the context of leadership  Jim Collins mentioned it in his seminal work Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap... and Others Don't. In this book, Collins examined companies that went from good to great by sustaining 15-year cumulative stock returns at or below the general stock market, and after a transition point, cumulative returns at least three times the market over the next 15 years.

Among the many characteristics that distinguished these companies from others is that they all had a Level 5 leader.

Level 5 leaders direct their ego away from themselves to the larger goal of leading their company to greatness. These leaders are a complex, paradoxical mix of intense professional will and extreme personal humility. They will create superb results but shun public adulation, and are never boastful. They are described as modest. An example of such a leader who epitomized humility is David Packard, the co-founder of Hewlett-Packard, who, in Jim Collins' words, defined himself as a HP man first and a CEO second. He was a man of the people, practicing management by walking around. Shunning all manner of publicity, Packard is quoted as saying: "You shouldn't gloat about anything you've done; you ought to keep going and find something better to do."

Another great leader is Patrick Daniel, CEO of North American energy and pipeline company Enbridge, who espouses two leadership attributes: determination to create results and humility, shifting the focus away from himself and continually recognizing the contributions of others. "I have learned through the lives of great leaders," he said, "that greatness comes from humility and being at times, self-effacing."

Clearly these leaders, and many others like them, don't espouse the meaning of humility as "meek". On the contrary, it is a source of their strength. But the notion of being self-effacing is one that we struggle with in our competitive culture, prescribing that we take every opportunity to toot our own horn, and that we don't dare leave the house without our dynamic elevator speech all rehearsed.

We often confuse humility with timidity. Humility is not clothing ourselves in an attitude of self-abasement or self-denigration. Humility is all about maintaining our pride about who we are, about our achievements, about our worth – but without arrogance – it is the antithesis of hubris, that excessive, arrogant pride which often leads to the derailment of some corporate heroes, as it does with the downfall of the tragic hero in Greek drama. It's about a quiet confidence without the need for a meretricious selling of our wares. It's about being content to let others discover the layers of our talents without having to boast about them. It's a lack of arrogance, not a lack of aggressiveness in the pursuit of achievement.

An interesting dichotomy is that, often, the higher people rise, the more they have accomplished, the higher the humility index. Those who achieve the most brag the least, and the more secure they are in themselves, the more humble they are. "True merit, like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes". (Edward Frederick Halifax). We have all come across people like that and feel admiration for them.

There is also an understated humility of every day people we work with who have the ability to get the job done without drawing attention to themselves. Witness the employee who is working at his computer into the late hours, purely motivated by a keen sense of duty, the executive assistant who stays after 5:30pm on a Friday night in an empty office to await a courier, or the manager who quietly cancels an important personal event to fly out of town to attend to the company's business. This is akin to the philanthropist who gives an anonymous donation.

Humility is also a meta-virtue. It crosses into an array of principles. For example, we can safely declare that there cannot be authenticity without humility. Why? Because, there is always a time in a leader's journey when one will be in a situation of not having all the answers. Admitting this and seeking others' input requires some humility.

Another mark of a leader who practices humility is his or her treatment of others. Such leaders treat everyone with respect regardless of position. Years ago, I came across this reference: the sign of a gentleman is how he treats those who can be of absolutely no use to him.

Something interesting happens, too, when we approach situations from a perspective of humility: it opens us up to possibilities, as we choose open-mindedness and curiosity over protecting our point of view. We spend more time in that wonderful space of the beginner's mind, willing to learn from what others have to offer. We move away from pushing into allowing, from insecure to secure, from seeking approval to seeking enlightenment. We forget about being perfect and we enjoy being in the moment.

Here are a few suggestions on practicing humility:

  1. There are times when swallowing one's pride is particularly difficult and any intentions of humility fly out the window, as we get engaged in a contest of perfection, each side seeking to look good. If you find yourself in such no-win situations, consider developing some strategies to ensure that the circumstances don't lead you to lose your grace. Try this sometimes: just stop talking and allow the other person to be in the limelight. There is something very liberating in this strategy.
  2. Here are three magical words that will produce more peace of mind than a week at an expensive retreat: "You are right."
  3. Catch yourself if you benignly slip into over preaching or coaching without permission – is zeal to impose your point of view overtaking discretion? Is your correction of others reflective of your own needs?
  4. Seek others' input on how you are showing up in your leadership path. Ask: "How am I doing?" It takes humility to ask such a question. And even more humility to consider the answer.
  5. Encourage the practice of humility in your company through your own example: every time you share credit for successes with others, you reinforce the ethos for your constituents. Consider mentoring or coaching emerging leaders on this key attribute of leadership.

There are many benefits to practicing humility, to being in a state of non-pretence: it improves relationships across all levels, it reduces anxiety, it encourages more openness and paradoxically, it enhances one's self-confidence. It opens a window to a higher self. For me, it replaces "windowsill" as the most beautiful word in the English language.

Content by Bruna Martinuzzi. 

Why building rapport is so important to all professional relationships.


If you want to create superior relationships with your clients you must learn how to: Establish Rapport; Often confused with being liked, rapport has little to do with being liked but everything to do with connecting with your client on a level where you understand your client on both an intellectual and emotional level. The dictionary defines rapport as a “harmonious mutual understanding,” a meeting of the minds. Rapport may encourage the client to like you, but by no means is it necessary and certainly at times, rapport is present even while being liked is absent.

Building rapport demands you focus your attention on your prospect or client, instead of what you want to get out of the session, what you’re going to say next, or how you’re going to get the signature on the contract. I’ve found that basic actions are the most effective at building rapport. Really listening to the client, hearing what they say instead of what I want them to say, making sure that I understand what they really mean, responding to the question they asked instead of the question I wanted them to ask, and answering their questions openly and honestly. In addition, asking questions that not only allow them to fully state their wants, needs, goals, and opinions, but that encourage them to do so. 

Building rapport is about communication. Real skill comes in learning to verbally communicate, learning to listen while encouraging open dialogue and discussion. Learning to accept different points of view and learning how to give guidance and direction in a manner that supports the client will move them in the right direction rather than creating a chasm between yourself and your client. 

Establish Trust; Trust, even more than rapport is critical for successful long-term client relationships. The dictionary defines trust as “a firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character or a person or thing.” “Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence.” Trust is difficult to establish and easy to lose. Trust for most people isn’t built on words alone but on a combination of words and actions. For most clients, trust isn’t established during a single meeting or even over a few meetings. Trust is earned by having one’s actions match their words. Building trust, just like building rapport, is an activity. It doesn’t just happen, it’s created by actively doing the things that build trust. Being honest in words and deeds, by being timely in doing exactly what you say you’re going to do and by putting your client’s good ahead of yours.

If you really want to create strong, lasting relationships with your clients that will be the foundation of your business, that will generate strong client referrals for you, and that will produce business year after year, invest time and effort in learning the secrets of building rapport and trust. Don’t worry about being liked, being cute, or being their pal. Concentrate on being their trusted advisor, the one who really understands their wants and needs and who they know unselfishly pursues the best possible solution for them. That’s the secret to great client relationships. 

My coaching and consulting business has been built solely on referrals for thirty years now through building rapport, establishing trust and providing result driven strategies within each engagement. I am viewed as a strategic business advisor who is truly invested in my clients long term success. When you master developing professional relationships you find that clients repeatedly seek you out instead of the other way around, and your business will continue to grow through those established relationships. Remember, "The key to longevity in business is having clients who create clients." 

Achieve your full potential and book a complimentary session today at Business and Life Management Coaching

Are you highly sensitive or an Empath?

Are you impacted by the feelings of those around you? Do people describe you as empathetic? Perhaps you have always had the ability to feel the emotions and physical symptoms of others as if they were your own. If this rings true in your life, you may be an “empath.”

Only a small percentage of the population experience this type of sensitivity, having the ability to feel and absorb the emotions surrounding them. They likely view the world through their emotions and intuition rather than putting too much logic behind their decision making. While this characteristic can be a source of personal strength, it is also important to know how to manage common challenges of being an empath.

What is an Empath?

While there is significant research behind the feeling of empathy, there are very few studies focused primarily on empaths. What is known is that empaths likely have hyper-responsive mirror neurons — the group of brain cells responsible for triggering feelings like compassion — according to research findings. This makes it possible for someone to feel especially sensitive to electromagnetic fields generated by a person’s brain and heart and intuit the emotions felt by those around them. If there is an excited crowd or a group of people in mourning, the energy can be felt deep within an empath’s body.

For those who are more introverted empaths, they may be more sensitive to the brain chemical responsible for feeling pleasure — dopamine. In instances where too much stimulation occurs, an empath can feel overwhelmed. Over time, empaths can become programmed to avoid external stimulation or need very little of it to feel happy. Whether or not a person is introverted, some common side effects of hyper-sensitivity can include exhaustion, overload, depression, and anxiety. Often, when these feelings arise, it’s helpful to have some space to retreat to at home or a favorite outdoor spot you can recharge in.

When overwhelmed with stressful emotions, empaths can experience anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and fatigue and may even show physical symptoms such as an increased heart rate and headache. This is because they internalize the feelings and pain of others without the ability to distinguish it from their own. To help manage these overwhelming moments, it is important for empaths to identify their own thoughts and feelings, as much as possible, and separating them from those of others.

Signs You Are an Empath

1. You are introverted. Often, empaths become overwhelmed when in large groups of people. Rather than feeling positively impacted by those around you, you likely choose to be more introverted and prefer one-to-one and small-group interactions.

2. You are easily impacted by images and movies. Perhaps tears come quickly and easily when you watch a movie, or you may experience the emotion behind the subject of a photograph. In these instances, moments on screen and in print have a big effect on how you feel.

3. You are afraid of getting lost in relationships. Empaths likely have a history of getting completely absorbed by new relationships and are fearful of not having the right kind of boundaries in place. You might feel completely swallowed up and blur the lines between your feelings and those of the person you are in a relationship with.

4. You absorb other people’s emotions. Being in tune with what other people are experiencing, both good and bad, is a sign you are an empath. You may feel ambient emotions around you as if they were your own and become exhausted emotionally and even physically.

5. You are highly intuitive. Are you led by your own gut feelings about people? Empaths often listen to their inner thoughts when it comes to judging people, helping to spot positive relationships that help them feel their best.

Using Your Emotions as a Strength. For the nearly 15 to 20 percent of the population who are classified as “highly sensitive,” they feel more deeply and intensely than those around them. Their brains are processing information and reflecting on it in a powerful, nuanced way. While this behavior can be seen as being too sensitive, caring, or too attentive, these abilities can also be perceived as desirable — being exceptionally perceptive, intuitive, and hyper-observant. The trick is to find a way to manage and channel those (sometimes) uncomfortable emotions.

To guard against unpleasant or overwhelming emotions, empaths can employee different types of strategies to make daily experiences more palatable. Taking a methodological approach to time management, and setting firm boundaries with people who drain your energy, becomes invaluable. Additionally, knowing when meditation and stillness is needed can be an important way to regroup. The key is to find ways to take care of yourself and strategically respond to heightened feelings as they arise.

While more research is needed when it comes to understanding the science behind empaths and the reason why some people absorb feelings more readily than others, there are still ways to identify whether or not you experience empath-like tendencies. By understanding the signs and triggers for empaths, it is easier to leverage these abilities as strengths, while better managing any negative impacts. In any instance, it is important to understand your emotional needs and communicate them to those around you.  Source: Jessica DuBois-Maahs

Time Management Tips

 


Managing your time and using it wisely is a journey, and not something that can be easily mastered overnight. Implementing a plan will help you become more productive. Time management requires a significant amount of self-discipline and commitment. If you learn to manage your time better, you will feel more fulfilled on a daily basis. Here are some tips to assist you with time management...

1. Set Goals both short-term and long-term goals for each day, week, and year. Take the time to make a written list of your goals, which will allow you to refer back to the list when you need some guidance. Keep in mind that it is okay to adjust the goals as your personal and business needs change. Use them as a tool to guide you.

2. Give yourself Mini-Rewards. All work and no play is a difficult concept to sustain for very long. Build rewards into your schedule. If there is a task you really dislike, follow it with a task that you greatly enjoy. Build "mini-rewards" into your schedule to increase your productivity.

3. Keep a running "To Do" list and use your calendar with alerts. The To Do list should contain both daily tasks as well as longer-term tasks. Having a To Do list will help keep your attention on the projects that require attention, and prevent some items from slipping through the cracks and being forgotten.

4. Keep your expectations realistic. No one can do everything, and with that in mind, try to set realistic expectations of what you can hope to accomplish.

5. Prioritize the list of things to do. Some items might require immediate attention, while others may be necessary but not as urgent. After prioritizing, try not to become a "firefighter" and only react to the urgent items. Be sure to still give proper attention to non-urgent items as well, as they are important too.

6. Use your time wisely.  If there are blocks of time that you spend waiting or commuting, figure out ways to use that time being productive! Listening to podcasts, reading, writing, proof-reading, reviewing your schedule, planning for your next activity, etc, are all things that can usually be done remotely to fill in some of the unavoidable "dead" time in your schedule. Try to find interesting and unusual productive things to do during those periods of downtime.

7. Set appropriate time limits for tasks. When working on those tasks, monitor the time that each item is taking. If the time dedicated was more than you anticipated, review how you went about accomplishing that task and look for alternative time savers in the future.

8. Organize your space, and remove any excessive clutter. Spending time looking for something is a waste of time and time is a precious commodity. Both your living space and your physical working area should be organized so that you can easily locate anything you need in a moment’s notice.

9. Minimize distractions throughout your day and you will accomplish more. If you find yourself consumed by all different types of social mediums, try to set aside a specific period of time to participate in that social community. The less you are interrupted, the more you will be able to maximize your time. Work on minimizing interruptions and distractions as much as possible.

10. Reflect at the end of the day on what you accomplished. If you were unable to account for a specific period of time, or you found a given day to be particularly unproductive, take an inventory and try to determine where your time management system broke down.

Keep in mind that not every day is going to be as productive as you would hope. Unexpected things always come up, and no matter how hard you try, your expectations just might not be realistic. Do not become discouraged. Instead, simply stay focused and make an effort to increase your productivity the next day. Each day brings a renewed sense of energy with new opportunities to accomplish your goals.

Get the tools you need to excel in your life. Work with a Business and Life Management Coach who has over 20 years’ experience empowering individuals, executives and business owners to attain self-defined success in their professional & personal lives. Book a complimentary session at http://www.denisedema.com  to get started in reaching your goals today! On-site, phone and e-mail coaching available.

What you focus on expands.

 


Your life becomes what you focus on. Your thought patterns create the texture of your everyday life. You are always focusing on something. The experiences you create in this very moment, and the next, are based on where your focus lies.


What you see depends on what you look for. What you hear depends on what you listen for and what you feel depends on the experiences you seek. Your expectations, based on what you focus on, blossom into self-fulfilling prophecies.

The results you create are a result of your focus. If you're not getting the results you are looking for, it is time to re-examine what you focus on. If you keep focusing on the same things and keep doing what you’ve always done, sure enough, you’ll keep getting the same results.

Your mind cannot tell the difference between something you think about or focus on that you do want, and the stuff you think about that you don’t want. Your mind is a very effective goal seeking mechanism and seeks to create precisely what you focus on. The key is to direct your focus on the goals and experiences that you do want in your life.

Think of your focus as a sticky boomerang. What you focus on comes back to you, with more strength that it has gathered along the way. If you send out anger, fear, negativity or jealousy, you will invite the same thoughts manifold.

What you focus on expands.

Focus on what is going well in your life right now and what is good for you moving forward. Focus on your innate talents and capabilities. Focus on what you believe is possible and you will see opportunities rather than constraints.
 

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