How To Control Your Anger

One in three people say that they have a close friend or family member who has anger problems. The Mental Health Foundation, suggests that many of us will encounter work situations where emotions run high, and can spill over into anger.

Not all feelings of anger are negative, for example, if you get animated on behalf of a colleague who's been given an unnecessarily hard time by others in the workplace, your response m strike a chord and result in a positive outcome. But angry outbursts that intimidate or undermine co-workers are always unacceptable.

In this article, we look at what anger is and why some people get angry, while others don't.

What Is Anger?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines anger as "a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism." Psychologist T.W. Smith agrees, saying it is "an unpleasant emotion ranging in intensity from irritation or annoyance to fury or rage." But what makes people angry is different for everyone. Things that spark ire in some people don't bother others at all. Yet we all regularly experience events that could make us angry. They include:

• Frustration and powerlessness.
• Hurt.
• Harassment and bullying from stress
• Threats to the people, things, or ideas that we hold dear.

Recognizing Anger

Anger and aggression are not the same thing. Anger is an emotion, while aggression is a behavior. Not everyone who feels angry is aggressive, and vice versa. Sometimes people are aggressive because they feel afraid or threatened. Not everyone who's angry yells or seeks confrontation. Some people let their anger out by ignoring people or by sulking, or through sarcasm. People who behave this way are called passive-aggressive, and they can be as difficult to deal with as those who scream and shout. Other people react entirely passively to anger. They show no outward signs of anger, no matter how furious they are. But these people may be doing themselves more damage by suppressing their emotions than those who show their anger.

The Dangers of Anger

An appropriate level of anger can spur us to take proper actions, solve problems,  and handle situations constructively.  However, uncontrolled anger can have many negative consequences, especially in the workplace. It can cloud our ability to make good decisions and find creative solutions to problems. It can affect relationships with co-workers. And it can destroy trust between team members.

Effective team working is based on sharing ideas in a supportive environment. If people think the team leader is going to fly into a rage as soon as they suggest something, they'll stop contributing, and the team will stop functioning at its best.

Unexpressed anger can be as harmful as outward rage. The angry person who doesn't express his or her anger may bear grudges or see himself as a victim.  His colleagues may not realize that there's a problem, so they may be less likely to be able to help him.

Frequent anger, whether expressed or not, poses health risks, too. One study found that people who get angry regularly are more likely to suffer from heart disease. Research has also highlighted a link between anger and premature death. Further studies have discovered that anger correlates to anxiety and depression. Seeking the advice of qualified health professionals if you have concerns over persistent anger is important to get the support you need.

Controlling Anger

It's important to deal with anger in a healthy manner, so that it doesn't harm you or anyone else. First, recognize that the problem exists. Sometimes people don't understand that their anger is an issue, either for themselves or for others. They may blame other things: people, processes, institutions, even inanimate objects like computers. You probably know people like this, or maybe you recognize it in yourself. You can tackle this by developing self-awareness which can help you to understand how others see you, and in turn enable you to manage your emotions better.

Also, it's important to be resilient. Being able to bounce back from disappointment and frustration is much healthier than becoming angry about it. It's also good to learn to take control of your own situation, and to avoid believing that you're powerless. Get used to speaking up for yourself and telling people when you think that they're wrong.

Here are some more practical steps that you can take to prevent or manage anger:

Learn to recognize the onset of anger. When you become angry, your heart rate rises and you breathe faster. It's the classic fight-or-flight response. Be vigilant, so that you can begin to deal with the source of your anger before it builds up.
Give yourself a time-out. Try to stop yourself "leaping in" with an angry response to a situation. Count to 10 before you act.
Breathe slowly. Regulating your breathing
helps to combat the onset of anger, calms you down, and allows you to think clearly.
Take the longer view. If your anger is recurrent, you may need to take a more strategic approach to dealing with it.

Dealing With Someone Else's Anger

It's important to demonstrate emotional intelligence when dealing with angry people. This helps you to keep your own feelings in check, while respecting the fact that others may be struggling with theirs.

Try the following six approaches for dealing with someone's anger:
1. Remain calm. Stay cool and let the other person express her feelings. Show that you really are listening and reassure her that you want to understand what the problem is. Never meet anger with anger. But don't allow yourself to be manipulated or browbeaten.
2. Remember that you're talking to a person. Everybody behaves differently, and you need to treat an angry team member as an individual. If you are his manager you are due some respect, but so is he. Empathize and try to understand his point of view.
3. Don't just quote the rule book. Quoting company policy at someone when she's in a rage won't be effective, and it can make a bad situation worse. It's OK to be assertive and seek a solution once you've calmed things down, but using the rule book is not the way.
4. Be positive. Show that you want to resolve the negative situation to everyone's benefit. This doesn't mean that you need to give in, just that you show you're taking his concerns seriously and seeking resolution.
5. Keep it private. Don't allow "a scene" to develop. Find a meeting room or private space. This will allow you to have a proper discussion, and demonstrates discretion and tact.  Alternatively, suggest a walking meeting to help to calm things down.
6. Be aware of unexpressed anger. It won't always be obvious that someone is angry. Look out for signs such as someone avoiding particular subjects or actions, going quiet in meetings, or avoiding eye contact. You may need to draw out the problem with careful use of questioning techniques instead.

Key Points

Anger is an emotion we all feel, and one that many people find hard to deal with. It can manifest itself in aggressive, confrontational behavior, or in more passive but no less damaging ways. Start to manage your anger by recognizing it. Then, take steps to address it by tackling the source of your anger. Use relaxation techniques to deal with outbursts. In the longer term, try to develop self-awareness, emotional intelligence and resilience to cope better with angry feelings. When you're dealing with the anger of co-workers, show empathy, and try to understand the root of their problem. Don't back down, however, and assert yourself calmly if you feel that someone else is using anger to try to impose their will on you.

Source: Mindtools

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Develop Patience and Live Your Best Life!

Patience is the ability to tolerate waiting, delay, or frustration without becoming agitated or upset. It's the ability to be able to control your emotions or impulses and proceed calmly when faced with difficulties.

It comes from the Latin word pati which means to suffer, to endure, to bear. Needless to say, patience does not come easily to most of us and it's probably harder now to be patient than historically it has ever been. 

In today's world of 'instant everything', technological advancements and readily available credit have allowed us to obtain, experience, and consume practically anything we want - almost immediately. Do we even need to be patient anymore?

Well, if we want to reach our goals, have successful relationships and achieve personal peace, the answer is a resounding yes!

Anything worthwhile and of importance cannot take place right away. It takes time, dedication and effort to achieve; so even in this day and age, patience is a virtue.
 

The Benefits of Developing Patience

1. Reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person. When you learn and practice patience you don't get as angry, stressed or overwhelmed. You are more in control of your emotions and in a better position to deal with difficult situations with ease and poise.This promotes longevity and makes you a happier, healthier person.


2. Results in better decision-making.  When you're patient you take the time to assess the situation, see the big picture, and weigh any pros and cons. The chances of making a big mistake lessen because you avoid making it in haste. Taking the time to problem solve requires patience and deliberation.


3. Helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion. You are automatically more understanding and compassionate with others when you yourself are patient. Patient people take the time to process what they go through and are able to determine what it takes to overcome obstacles so they are more understanding of others. This results in better, more fulfilling relationships with spouses, friends, children and bosses.


4. Helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth. As mentioned earlier anything worthwhile takes time and effort to achieve. As the old saying goes "Rome wasn't built in a day." Planning, growth, evaluation and measurement all take time, and taking time takes patience.

Tips on How to Develop Patience

• Take a day where you make patience your goal for the entire day. Make a concerted effort to take your time and think about everything you do, be mindful and live in the moment. At the end of the day, observe all the ways in which you've made smarter decisions, got along better with others and actually understood what took place. Learn to do it on a daily basis. Developing patience is much like physical exercise because it requires persistence and effort.


• Slow down. If you have the tendency to rush around and try to hurry things up, want things done immediately and can't wait for things to take their natural course, STOP. Take several deep breaths before you act or make a move. For example, if you're in a long lineup at the grocery store or in heavy traffic, make the decision to pause and not get worked up. Do some isometrics, listen to the radio, or just enjoy the view. Getting impatient won't make things move along any faster, so why get worked up for nothing?


• Practice delaying gratification. When you want to reach for that dessert, second drink, or buying your tenth pair of red shoes, stop and think about it first. Maybe you don't need or want any of them that badly after all. You can save yourself some money or added calories.


• Practice thinking before you speak. At times we blurt out the first thought that comes into our heads without considering the consequences. If we're patient, pause and go over what we want to say, we can avoid hurting or offending others.

Patience is definitely a valuable character trait to develop. It may appear to be passive, however it is an active, purposeful and necessary form of self-discipline. Without patience many of our actions would be counter-productive and ultimately much time and energy would be wasted spinning our wheels. Surely, patience is a time-tested virtue.

Expand your knowledge and enlighten your mind with the tools to help you excel in life. Work with a Business and Life Management Coach and book a complimentary session today at www.denisedema.com.

Source: Z. Hereford

Practice Self-Discipline!

Do you often find yourself procrastinating? Perhaps doing things that you know you shouldn’t be doing? Do you find it hard to stay focused and perform at your peak? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may need to build self-discipline.

Self-discipline is the ability to do what you think you should be doing rather than doing something based on how you feel. For example, you may have an exam taking place tomorrow morning and your mind is telling you that you need to be studying and revising, however you feel exhausted, tired and you want to crash in front of the television.

Self-discipline is closely related to the concept of delayed gratification. By delaying the ‘feel good’ factor now, you can experience an even bigger ‘feel great’ factor at a later point in time. For example, if you did decide to study the night before your exam instead of crashing in front of the television, you may have been more confident in your exam, less anxious and feeling more relaxed and calm. As a result, you may have also experienced a better outcome or better grades. This ultimately leads to more satisfaction.

What are the other benefits of building self-discipline?

• Remain focused on your goals

• Be more productive, more effective and more efficient

• Perform at a higher level

• Develop a stronger mindset

• Get more done!

  So, how can you build your self-discipline?

1. Understand Yourself: First, to build self-discipline you need to understand in what areas of your life are you not being disciplined? Where would you like to be more disciplined? What are the areas that you are struggling with most? What are the 3 areas in your life that you keep putting off, but you know if you were to do them they would make a huge impact? Write them down and also write down why you are currently not doing them. Next to each, write down why you want to do each. Re-frame your situation into a positive and look at the benefits of doing something. This leads into my next point.

2. Focus on the Longer Term: What are your longer-term goals? What are you trying to achieve in your life? Focusing on your longer-term goals helps you to understand the important of why you need to do something now. If you were to take action now, what is the longer-term benefit that you will get later? For example, you may find it hard to get off to the gym or go for a run. If you were to go and do this now, what is the longer-term benefit that you will get? Your health, your fitness, your overall well-being is all dependent upon the action that you take in this moment. Another thing is to ensure you do not procrastinate and say that ‘I’ll start tomorrow’. There is no better day than today to kick start a new habit and change your life. By putting things off, this simply weakens your self-discipline and reinforces negative habits with procrastination.

3. Schedule Your Time: A fantastic tool for building self-discipline is to schedule your time. If you are finding it hard to get started on writing your novel, schedule 30 minutes every day for the next 7 days and stick to the time you dedicated to it. Before you know it, at the end of the week you would have spent 3 and a half hours writing your novel. The key is to stick to the time you have scheduled. Obviously allow for some flexibility as a life that is totally scheduled is just simply no fun. However, if you can’t work for 30 minutes at the scheduled point in time, ensure you do it at an earlier or a later time. If it can’t be done that day, ensure you add an extra 30 minutes to the following day.

4. Get Started: One of the best methods for building self-discipline is to simply get started. Often, the hardest part about doing something that you do not want to do is the fact that you have no momentum. It may seem like a daunting task. Run with the motto of ‘just do it’. Take the first step, simply ‘force’ yourself to take action. It will feel uneasy at first, but once you get the momentum going you will most likely start to feel the flow and build your self-discipline.

5. Reward Yourself: I mentioned above that self-discipline is closely related to delayed gratification. If you do something now, you will get a benefit at a future point in time, particularly if it is helping you reach your longer-term goals. However, you can take this to another level. You don’t have to wait until the very end to be reward and start to feel good. Reward yourself at milestones throughout your project or your take. Perhaps it is that you have not started a project yet. Tell yourself that if you work for one hour on your project you will be rewarded with whatever it is that you want to be rewarded with. Set yourself little rewards throughout your project to help you build your self-discipline. Before you know it, you will no longer need to reward yourself at such small intervals.

6. Get Support from Others: Support from others can be a great thing. I recently read that you are the sum of the 5 closest people to you. That means, if you are surrounding yourself with disciplined people that can encourage you and are supportive of your goals, then you are more likely to succeed in what it is that you are trying to do. Who else is doing what you want to do? Another thing is to take action with someone else. Being held accountable by others will help you to reach your goals.  Perhaps it’s finding a personal coach to guide you, gym partner to work out with, or team member to help you get a project done by a certain date. Being accountable helps build your self-discipline.

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