Whenever we start a new year
we usually go through some review in our mind of the previous year and what we
have accomplished or have yet to accomplish in our life. Setting goals,
releasing negative feelings, forgiving and striving for some personal growth is
always on people’s minds, no matter what they have experienced in life.
Many times, the thought of professional
and financial attainment or lack of is what a new year brings, along with all
the emotional feelings that follow. When you take the honorable approach
throughout your life, it will always result in other gifts coming your way
without intentionally seeking them. This is why I encourage people I coach to
make the three R’s a reality in their lives. They are: Respect for self,
Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions. People’s intentions
are often not the reality that they live. It’s not because they don’t want to,
but because they just don’t have the discipline to be consistent without help
from others. To change one's behavior and thought processes can challenge a
person’s will. Most people alone are not strong-willed enough to stick with it
throughout the time it takes to attain their goal. It’s never too late to start
to live your life in a respectful and responsible way, so your daily
interactions will be set on a positive path. So let’s start with some of the
thoughts and activities that are associated with respect and responsibility.
Respect for Self is a
feeling of confidence and pride in one’s owns abilities and worth. Having
regard for one's character, and one's conduct with appreciation of one’s self
elevates our awareness of who we are. Self- respect is the cornerstone on which
many other attributes are built such as dignity, honesty, loyalty, confidence
and integrity. Feeling good about yourself, thinking enough of yourself to make
decisions that will be good for your long term emotional, physical, spiritual
and mental health, will improve your character and self worth. Always surround
yourself with people who have your best interests involved, who care about your
thoughts and feelings, who share your passions and interests and who live
healthy lifestyles. Conduct yourself on a daily basis with a happy heart,
engage in physical activities that are health-oriented, be polite and pleasant
to others and it will elevate your own self- respect. By walking the walk and
talking the talk you can display the respect you have of yourself by honoring
your body and mind. The person with self-respect simply likes themselves. It
should not be contingent on success or a result of comparing ourselves with
others. Self -respect is a given because of who we are and not because of what
we can or cannot do. No one can take steps towards their goals, dreams and
aspirations without liking the person they currently are.
In general character good or
bad, is considered to be observable in one's conduct. Look at how you act each
day, what you do to honor yourself and how you display those qualities that
show self-respect. Those with self-respect are less prone to blame others, have
guilt, live with regret, lie, have secrets and stress. Ask yourself if you
display any of these traits and start to acknowledge why you feel this way. Be
thankful on a daily basis for the blessings you have now and at the same time
examine the beliefs, biases, assumptions, and myths inherited from family,
school, religion, and society. One by one, dismantle and discard those not in
keeping with healthy, honorable and virtuous living, and cherish those that
are. Part of our personal development is the view we have of our self, and
respecting yourself will play a big role in your chosen path in life. Have fun
as you develop friendships, interests, purposes and passions. Enjoy the journey
of learning to respect yourself as a unique individual who has something to
offer in this world. When you act with integrity, your words and actions will
match, which gives you self respect and a peaceful heart. Respect for ourselves
feeds our respect for others.
“Respect for ourselves
guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners”. –Laurence Sterne
Respect for Others is to
have unbiased consideration and regard for the rights, values, beliefs and
property of all people. To hold in special regard someone's opinions, talents
and/or abilities, reflects your own values and standards. It also shares what
you believe in, and in part, what you see or would like to see in yourself. By
respecting others, you show the attitude of friendliness and comfort towards
them. Listening to other people’s thoughts, feelings and desires without
judgment, allows you to respect them for who they are, and not what you want
them to be. Very often, we impose our own ideas on others without being able to
respect other people's inherent differences. Everyone you encounter has a
unique moral fiber that has created who they are and how they think. Being able
to allow others to express themselves in their own way will open your mind to
different theories and information that might not be part of your mindset.
Respecting other people in your personal and professional environments will
encourage the same respect be given to you, in return. We show respect by
speaking and acting with courtesy. Always treat people the way you would want
to be treated: with civility and dignity. Ask yourself if at any time during
your day: Did my verbiage or actions ridicule, embarrass or hurt other people?
Become aware of how you treat people, so you can improve your behavior. Being
fair minded, truthful and polite will reflect the virtues of respect and bring
back to you the same positive energy that you put out to others.
“Every human being, of
whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect
others even as we respect ourselves”. -Ulysses S. Grant
Responsibility means to
accept accountability for your actions. When you make a mistake, you accept it,
correct it, and offer amends, instead of making excuses. Responsibility is the
ability to respond and make smart choices for yourself. Being responsible for
your actions allows you to accept that everything along the way that happens to
you, good and bad, has been determined by the choices you have made. You are in
control of those decisions and blaming others for your situation is avoiding
your responsibility. You can pretty much choose almost everything in your life;
your career, your spouse, where you live, who your friends are, your social
activities with the one exception of the parents you were born to. You need to
make sure that you acknowledge the responsibility that follows those decisions
because they are your own and not anyone else’s. Personal growth develops when
we are accountable because we accept the choices that we made and learn and
grow from them.
People who take complete
responsibility for their lives experience inner joy and control of
circumstances. They are able to make better choices because they understand
that they are responsible for those decisions. Take a review of yourself to see
how often you take responsibility or place blame on others. Listen to your
verbiage to see if you often point fingers of blame at your friends, spouse, co
workers and family. Are you making excuses and shifting responsibility to
others for the things that don’t always go right? How many times have you said:
"He/she did this to me?" You can change these negative behavior
patterns by first understanding that you made choices that ultimately created
these results. Taking responsibility is the first step in acknowledging that
you have the control to make better choices in the future. Become proactive,
not reactive, to your situations and be accountable. Acknowledge that your life
is your responsibility. No one can live your life for you. You are in charge.
No matter how hard you try to blame others for the events of your life, each
event is the result of choices you made and are making. By breaking the
blame-game patterns in your life and accepting responsibility, you will see
your circumstances change for the better.
“The willingness to accept
responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect
springs” –Joan Didion
When you put into practice
the three R’s on a daily basis you will start to see your life change with
positive experiences. Lessons are learned and spiritual growth becomes prevalent.
Don’t allow the past to dictate the present, unless it honors you and your
life. Start to modify your behavior to reflect actions that display respect for
yourself, respect for others and take responsibility for all your actions. It’s
never too late to get support so you can be on a better path in your life. You
do have the power to change your circumstances and the change starts the day
you commit to live an honorable life.
Denise Dema is a Business
and Life Management Coach with over 20 years experience empowering individuals,
entrepreneurs and business owners to attain self-defined success in their
professional and personal lives. To learn more about the author and her
practice please visit http://www.denisedema.com/
How do you know if your boundaries are being crossed? Generally, there are a few broad categories that comprise boundary violations: verbal, psychological, emotional, and physical. Ethical, spiritual, and moral boundary violations exist as well.
Verbal violations include not allowing you to speak or be heard, raising their voice and/or screaming at you, saying things that are derogatory or inflammatory about your integrity and character, gossiping about you.
Psychological and emotional boundary violations include preying upon your sense of self and self-esteem, using what you’ve told them in confidence against you, lying to you, criticizing, demeaning, judging, or manipulating you, making fun of you, your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for them or a situation, making demands of your time and energy, shaming or embarrassing you, bullying you, assuring you that their thoughts and beliefs are superior to and more important than yours.
Physical violations include moving into your personal space, touching you without permission, being inappropriate or too familiar, especially sexually, (including sexual references and overtures), touching or handling things that belong to you, violating your privacy (cell phone, computer, social media contacts, personal records), damaging or destroying your personal property, threatening you with physical harm.
While admittedly it may take involvement with several different people over a period of time, eventually getting the hang of who you want in your life and understanding who respects you and your space as opposed to people who are out for themselves (and are basically otherwise toxic), here are some tips in the meantime to help you navigate your way to your goal of establishing healthy boundaries.
Know thyself. Get to know yourself as best you can. This means that you need to learn what’s really important to you, what you really value apart from anyone else. Gaining access to your inner world by becoming familiar and comfortable with your own beliefs, emotions, feelings, and ideas is essential. The intimacy you experience within yourself serves as your own personal relational barometer. The better you know yourself the better you are able to understand and choose those significant others that best mirror the kind of life experience you want to have.
Take responsibility for yourself. This means to become aware, to develop the capacity for active conscious involvement, to know what needs to be done for yourself. By setting your own boundaries, you’re telling others how you want and expect to be treated; in other words, you are setting your limits about who can come into your space and what you expect of others once they’re there--- how you want to be spoken to, touched, and treated psychologically and emotionally. Whatever you say goes, no matter what others may think, feel, or believe. A corollary of this is that you are not responsible for the feelings, actions, and beliefs of others, or for the way they react to the boundaries you’ve set.
Develop a healthy respect for yourself.
All of your experiences, including the mistakes you’ve made help to shape your character---who you are. No one beside you, no matter how persuasive they may be, can define you or try to control who you are. When you respect yourself, all of who you are, you should expect that others will treat you with respect. If they don’t, that’s a clear sign not to engage.
Heed the warning signs. Stay away from anyone who has his or her own agenda and thinks nothing of pushing the limit, of invading your space for their own end. This is not a hard thing to recognize since there’s usually not much subtlety involved. In fact, the more you resist their attempts to engage you in a way that’s best for them, the more obvious, desperate, insulting, and shrill they may become as they try to up the ante.
Don’t try to fix people. Fixing others is a way of trying to get love, attention, and/or validation. Getting love/attention/validation must mean you’re “okay”---right? It’s a waste of your time and energy to try to fix them because, bottom line, they’re not interested in becoming any other way than they are. And the fact is you certainly don’t need fixing from self-serving people who want to tell you what to do and what’s good for you.
You are in charge of your choices. You have the right to change your mind or your direction at any time. You don’t need to feel that you owe anyone anything more than you want to give with your free and conscious heart. Anyone who mistreats you, is disrespectful of your wishes, refuses to hear you, and has no intention of changing is trouble with a capital T. Be ready to walk away without fear or guilt, and don’t look back.
Separate yourself from others. It may be difficult to imagine being emotionally attached to others while remaining psychologically and intellectually detached. This means that you are able to separate your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs from others. You understand that your boundaries are different from others. This detachment creates enough room, a kind of “psychic space” between you and others that allows for personal expression while minimizing emotional and psychological entanglement. Gaining a healthy perspective of others without creating conflict within yourself is the goal.
Work on creating the boundaries that will serve your life. Book a complimentary session to achieve your full potential at www.denisedema.com
Source: Psychology Today