Life Lessons....

Replace Negative Thoughts With Positive Thinking

Positive and negative thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies: What we expect can often come true.  

If you start off thinking you will mess up a task, the chances are that you will: You may not try hard enough to succeed, you won't attract support from other people, and you may not perceive any results as good enough. Positive thinking, on the other hand, is often associated with positive actions and outcomes. You're drawn to, and you focus on, the positive aspects of a situation. You have hope and faith in yourself and others, and you work and invest hard to prove that your optimism is warranted. You'll enthuse others, and they may well "pitch in" to help you. This makes constructive outcomes all the more likely.  When it comes down to it, positive, optimistic people are happier and healthier, and enjoy more success than those who think negatively. The key difference between them is how they think about and interpret the events in their life.

So, how do you think about your successes and failures? Do you think you have a predictable thinking pattern?

The first step in changing negative thinking is to become aware of it. For many of us, negative thinking is a bad habit – and we may not even know we're doing it! 

Consider these examples of negative thought patterns: The guy on the subway who just made a face is surely directing his behavior at you. When the receptionist doesn't greet you in the morning, you must have done something to anger her. again! You go straight to the coffee machine, because it's Monday morning and you just know you'll be solving problems until lunchtime. When you finally get to your desk, your assistant is waiting for you. "Oh no," you think. "What has he done now? The first problem of the day.”

Imagine how it makes you feel to constantly surround yourself with negativity. Then ask yourself if this is the way you tend to think in your own life? Dr Martin Seligman, who has been described as America's most influential psychologist, has done extensive research on thought patterns. In particular, he looks at the impact of an optimistic versus pessimistic outlook on life and success. He uses three basic dimensions of Permanence, Pervasiveness and Personalization, with optimistic people on one end of the scale and pessimistic people on the other.

Permanence

Believing that something we are experiencing is either permanent or temporary. The pessimist statement implies that you think bad times will carry on forever. 

Pessimist: I lost my job and I'll never find one as good again. No point even looking!

Optimist: I lost my job. Thank goodness there are other opportunities I can explore!

Pervasiveness

Believing that situational factors cause an effect or that the effect is evidence of more universal factors at work. The pessimist statement shows that you tend to think that if you've experienced a problem in one place, you'll experience that problem wherever you go.

Pessimist: I lost my job. Companies are all the same; all they care about is money. I don't know why I bother putting in any effort at all.

Optimist: I lost my job. It's too bad our company has to reinvent itself to stay competitive. Thankfully I learned some great transferable skills!

Personalization

Believing that something about you influenced the outcome or that something external to you caused it.  The pessimist tends to blame himself for bad things, rather than attributing the cause to more general factors. 

Pessimist: I lost my job. If I had been a decent employee they would have found a new job for me.

Optimist: I lost my job. I gave it my all, however they just can't use my skill set right now.

Re-shape Your Thinking

The way you view what happens around you can show whether you have a positive or negative pattern of thinking when you become more aware of your thoughts - and the effect they have on your life. 

When you're more aware of the way you think, you can take action to use positive situations to your advantage, and re-shape the negative ones. The goal is to think positively, regardless of the situation, and make a conscious effort to see opportunities instead of obstacles.

So if we look at one of the examples listed above, if you immediately think the receptionist is mad at you because she didn't say hello, how rational is that? Now change that thought to more rational outcomes like, she have been busy or distracted when you walked by or did you say hello to her? Maybe she wasn't feeling well, or she was in a negative mood herself. These are all more rational reasons for her behavior than simply assuming that you did something wrong.  Persistent negative thinking can cause mental health problems, including depression. While these positive thinking techniques have been shown to have a positive effect, they are for guidance only, and readers should take the advice of suitably qualified health professionals if they are experiencing persistent unhappiness.

Key Points

Becoming more positive is always a good thing. The more aware you are of your thoughts, the better you'll be able to change them to emphasize the positive.  Positive thinking usually attracts positive people, events, and outcomes. If you want to create an environment where you're successful and satisfied, you'll need the power of positive thinking on your side.  You may not be aware of all of your negative thoughts and the effect they have on your life, however, by taking some time to understand your own thought patterns, you can challenge those irrational, negative thoughts – and replace them with more positive, optimistic and empowering messages.

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." - Buddha

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Learning To Forgive

It’s time to consider letting go of the things that don’t serve you well to make room for good things to come into your life. Forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain in the memory and if we let go of the pain in the memory we can have the memory but it does not control us. When memory controls us we are then the puppets of the past.  

One of the things you should consider doing is forgiving those who have wronged you—whether you’ve experienced rejection, ridicule, deception, or abuse–, and clearing out the mental clutter that comes from holding on to grudges and resentments. After all, the person that you hurt the most by holding on to resentment and anger is yourself.

Forgiving someone who has mistreated or wronged you is hard, isn’t it? So, how do you forgive someone who has hurt you? You can embark upon the journey of forgiveness in order to release yourself from past hurts and rid yourself of any emotional baggage which may be weighing you down and holding you back.

Try to rethink your definition of forgiveness. You might think that forgiveness is about the following:

• Condoning what the other person did.
• Giving in.
• Turning the other cheek.
• Pretending that nothing happened or that it really wasn’t such a big deal.
• Admitting that your anger isn’t justified or that you’re not entitled to it.
• Forcing yourself to get along with someone who you feel may hurt you again.

If so, then you’re probably going to be very reluctant to forgive and with good reason. Instead, try changing your definition of forgiveness to the following:

• Forgiveness is about freeing up and putting to better use the energy that is being consumed by holding on to grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing old wounds.
• Forgiveness is about moving on.
• Forgiveness is about choosing serenity and happiness over righteous anger.
• Forgiveness is about refusing to replay past hurts in your mind over and over again, like a broken record.
• Forgiveness is about realizing that anger and resentment don’t serve you well.
• Forgiveness is about giving yourself a clean slate.

Have you ever thought, “My life would be perfect if this never happened.”  For many people, not forgiving provides them with an excuse for everything that is wrong in their life. That is, they use the fact that so-and-so did this-or-that to them to explain why they can’t achieve certain life goals. If only that hadn’t happened to them, their life would be much better than it is. That is, they use the hurt that they experienced to get off the hook. If they forgive and heal, then they’re out of an excuse.

Stop telling yourself that because certain things happened to you in the past, you can’t have what you want in the present or in the future. Instead, take responsibility for getting on with your life, in spite of anything that anyone may have done to you. You can do this by shifting from a Victim mentality, to a Creator mentality.

What if you don’t want to forgive? Is forgiving the only way to heal the hurt that someone else has caused you? What if the person who hurt you won’t admit what they did, or they just won’t show any remorse? Or what if you simply can’t get yourself to genuinely forgive the other person? You can heal yourself and clear your head of emotional clutter—such as anger, resentment, and thoughts of getting even—without forgiving. You’re free to decide who you will, and who you won’t, forgive.

So you basically have two options:

1. Forgive, and release yourself from the hurt.
2. Refuse to forgive, and be forever trapped in a prison of your own poisonous thoughts.

But there’s another option. It’s called acceptance. Acceptance helps you do the following:

• Clear your head of emotional poison.
• Be true to yourself.
• Forgive yourself for any of your own failings which led you to allow yourself to be placed in harm’s way.
• Choose to get along with the person who hurt you—even if you don’t love or even like them—if it’s in your best interest to do so.

Acceptance involves the following:

• Honor the full sweep of your emotions.
• Give up the need for revenge, while continuing to seek a just resolution.
• Stop obsessing about the injury. You can do this by challenging your negative thoughts, using relaxation and meditation, and implementing a program of self-care.
• Frame the offender’s behavior in terms of their own personal struggles.
• Look honestly at your own contribution to what happened.
• Take any necessary steps to protect yourself from further abuse.
• Decide what kind of a relationship—if any—you want with the offender.

Here are a few methods to help people forgive. They integrate not only effective thinking and emotional processes of psychology, but also time-proven spiritual methods and perspectives.

One way is talking with the person who hurt you directly, if it would help you come to a better understanding of what happened. In particular, what happened from their perspective? Also, what’s their emotional intelligence?  Is there something in their background that led them to take this action?

Also, you can turn the situation around and ask yourself the following questions:

• How would an impartial observer see this?
• Have I done the same thing to another or to myself?
• Is this similar to a pattern in my family?
• Has something like this happened to me before? Am I reliving a situation I’ve gone through before, but with different players?
• What can I learn from this?
• Can anything positive come from this? Am I stronger or more resourceful as a result of this having happened?
• What do I get by holding on to this resentment? Who benefits and how?
• Am I keeping the situation alive by refusing to let go?

Try this Forgiveness Exercise. Here are the steps:

1. Make a list of all the people you feel have wronged you in some way; write down what each one did and why it’s not OK.

2. Acknowledge that those things did happen, and that they did hurt you.

3. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you need to do in order to feel better.

4. Recognize that your distress is coming not from what happened, but from the thoughts that you have about what happened. Your thoughts are within your control.

5. When you feel yourself getting upset over what happened, practice stress reduction techniques to calm your body’s fight or flight response.

6. Another thing you can try when you start getting upset about a past experience is to ask yourself, “What am I thankful for?” Ask this repeatedly until you feel better.

7. Put your energy into looking for ways to achieve your goals, instead of wasting your energy by continuously reliving the negative experiences in your mind.

8. Know that the best revenge is a life well lived. Forgiveness is about taking back your power.

9. Amend your grievance story to include how you moved on.

When you refuse to let go of hurts from your past, you’re keeping yourself imprisoned. The truth is, unless you let go, forgive yourself, forgive the situation and realize it is over, you cannot move forward. The willingness to forgive is a sign of spiritual and emotional maturity. It is one of the great virtues to which we all should aspire. Inner peace can only be reached when we practice forgiveness.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Expand your knowledge and enlighten your mind with the tools you need to excel in your life! Work with a Business and Life Management Coach with over 20 years’ experience empowering people to attain self-defined success in their professional and personal lives. Book a free session at www.denisedema.com today.

Calm Your Life Through Stress Management

Many of us experience stress at work and in our personal life, whether this is in the short term from one-off projects, or long-term stress from a high-pressure career. Not only can this be profoundly unpleasant, it can seriously affect our health and our work. However, it is possible to manage stress, if you use the right tools and techniques.

 

What is Stress? A widely accepted definition of stress is a condition or feeling experienced when a person perceives that demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize. This means that we experience stress if we believe that we don't have the time, resources, or knowledge to handle a situation. In short, we experience stress when we feel "out of control." 

This also means that different people handle stress differently, in different situations: you'll handle stress better if you're confident in your abilities, if you can change the situation to take control, and if you feel that you have the help and support needed to do a good job.

Reactions to Stress. We have two instinctive reactions that make up our stress response. These are the "fight or flight" response, both of these reactions can happen at the same time.

Fight or Flight is a basic, short-term survival response, which is triggered when we experience a shock, or when we see something that we perceive as a threat. Our brains then release stress hormones that prepare the body to either "fly" from the threat, or "fight" it. This energizes us, but it also makes us excitable, anxious, and irritable. The problem with the fight or flight response is that, although it helps us deal with life-threatening events, we can also experience it in everyday situations – for example, when we have to work to short deadlines, when we speak in public, or when we experience conflict with others. In these types of situations, a calm, rational, controlled, and socially-sensitive approach is often more appropriate.

We cope with stress in three distinct phases:

1.    The alarm phase, where we react to the stressor.

2.    The resistance phase, where we adapt to, and cope with, the stressor. The body can't keep up resistance indefinitely, so our physical and emotional resources are gradually depleted.

3.    The exhaustion phase, where, eventually, we're "worn down" and we cannot function normally. 

Stress and the Way We Think. When we encounter a situation, we make two (often unconscious) judgments. First, we decide whether the situation is threatening – this could be a threat to our social standing, values, time, or reputation, as well as to our survival. This can then trigger the fight or flight response, and the alarm phase. Next, we judge whether we have the resources to meet the perceived threat. These resources can include time, knowledge, emotional capabilities, energy, strength, and much more. How stressed we feel then depends on how far out of control we feel, and how well we can meet the threat with the resources we have available.

 

Signs of Stress. Everyone reacts to stress differently. However, some common signs and symptoms of the fight or flight response includes:

• Frequent headaches.
• Cold or sweaty hands and feet.
• Frequent heartburn, stomach pain, or nausea.
• Panic attacks.
• Excessive sleeping or insomnia.
• Persistent difficulty concentrating.
• Obsessive or compulsive behaviors.
• Social withdrawal or isolation.
• Constant fatigue.
• Irritability and angry episodes.
• Significant weight gain or loss.
• Consistent feelings of being overwhelmed or overloaded.

Consequences of Stress. Stress impacts our ability to do our jobs effectively, and it affects how we work with other people. This can have a serious impact on our careers, and well as on our general well-being and relationships. Long-term stress can also cause conditions such as burnout, cardiovascular disease, stroke, depression, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system. (Sure, if you're stressed, the last thing you want to think about is how damaging it can be. However, you do need to know how important it is to take stress seriously.)

How to Manage Stress. The first step in managing stress is to understand where these feeling are coming from. Try to identify the causes of short-term or frequent stress in your life by keeping a stress diary. As you write down events, think about why this situation stresses you out.  Next, list these stressors in order of their impact. Which affect your health and well-being most? And which affect your work and productivity? Then, consider using some of the approaches below to manage your stress. You'll likely be able to use a mix of strategies from each area.

Action-Oriented Approaches take action to change the stressful situations. Your workload can cause stress, if you don't manage your time well. This can be a key source of stress for very many people.

Identify where you can improve and make sure that you use time management tools to help manage your priorities. Think about what's most important in your role, so that you can prioritize your work more effectively. This helps you reduce stress, because you get the greatest return from your efforts, and you minimize the time you spend on low-value activities. Also, avoid multitasking all day, only check email at certain times and don't use electronic devices for a while before going to bed, so that you use this time to "switch off" fully.

Other People can be a significant source of stress as well. Articles that address Being Honest With Others, Creating Boundaries, and learning to develop Positive Relationships will help ensure better respectful connections with others.

Workspace stress can come from irritating, frustrating, uncomfortable, or unpleasant conditions in the workplace. Take action to minimize your stress in your working environment. 

Emotion-Oriented Approaches are useful when the stress you're experiencing comes from the way that you perceive a situation. Actually a lot of stress comes from overly-negative thinking.

To change how you think about stressful situations:

• Learn to think more positively.
• Seek to understand before reacting.
• Change your perception and eliminate negative thinking.

Some people experience stress because they're maladaptive perfectionists, who struggle to let go of tasks unless they complete them perfectly. Others experience stress because they have a fear of failure or a fear of success. If any of these apply to you, use the techniques explained in these articles to adjust your mindset accordingly.

Acceptance-Oriented Approaches apply to situations where you have no power to change what happens, and where situations are genuinely bad.

To build your defenses against stress:

• Use techniques like meditation and physical relaxation to calm yourself when you feel stressed.
• Take advantage of support network – this could include your friends and family  as well as people at work and professional providers, such as professional coaches, counselors or family doctors.
• Get enough exercise and sleep, and learn how to make the most of your down time, so that you can recover from stressful events.
• Learn how to cope with change and build resilience, so that you can overcome setbacks.

Key Points

We experience stress when we feel threatened, and when we believe that we don't have the resources to deal with a challenging situation. Over time, this can cause long-term health problems; and it can also affect the quality of our work and our productivity.

To control your stress, conduct a job analysis, so that you know your most important priorities at work. Learn good time management strategies, so that you can handle your priorities effectively. Try to let go of negative thinking habits, and become a positive thinker by using affirmations and visualization.

Also, create defenses against stressful situations that you cannot control – use your network, be sure to get enough exercise and sleep, and learn how to relax.

Expand your knowledge and enlighten your mind with the tools you need to excel in your life! Work with a Business and Life Management Coach with over 20 years’ experience empowering people to attain self-defined success in their professional & personal lives. Book a free session at www.denisedema.com  today.

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